


Doubts of a Dove

by BlackPencilKitten



Series: PersonaShima [2]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Gen, Inferiority Complex, Past Abuse, Past Suicide Attempt, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-14 05:00:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11200968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackPencilKitten/pseuds/BlackPencilKitten
Summary: He was a Phantom Thief, he was finally contributing to society, he was standing up to corrupt people! He was everything he had dreamed to become, someone more than a site manager!...Then why did he still feel inadequate, why was everyone still cooler, still better than him? Their personas, their abilities, their outfits, why were they still better than him in every way?...Would he ever be /enough/?





	Doubts of a Dove

**Author's Note:**

> Mishima deserves a better persona than a tree @ Self, Futaba's book-based persona which is a UFO is cooler than his  
> I spent hours on this and I'm done.  
> Sequel to Dove's Awakening

The team had a Persona celebration party once they left the Mementos and returned to the attic of Cafe Leblanc, Akira cooking them up some curry. Mishima practically drowned in questions and compliments from the others, too shy to answer any of them and trying to pull his turtleneck over his face. He couldn't stop the tears of happiness from falling, and eventually he burst into a fit of bittersweet laughter. The gang gave him a group hug, and he swore that he had never been happier.

...And also, never been sadder.

This was a celebration over him accepting himself, over him getting over his repressed emotions. Then why was there a sickening feeling in his gut, that screamed that all of this was wrong, that he didn't deserve any of this? That he was going to ruin the Phantom Thieves with this sudden change? Everything felt wrong and he didn't know why, but he couldn't be sad at a celebration party, he should be happy with what he has, he should be _satisfied._

 

The image of that poor boy, that poor first year at the hands of Him never left his head. The words He had said were embedded into his brain, long after He was imprisoned. The damage, it wasn't done to him, but it was still being done to that innocent guy, who just wanted to play volleyball. The screams still rang in his ears, along with the pleads, the insults, the apologies.

"------ it's all your fault, Mishima! Because _you_ didn't want to come to coaching, now your teammate is the one that has to take the hits for you. Do you understand what happens when you disobey me?"

Say yes, say yes, god just say yes to stop the torture, to save your teammate! But no, he said nothing, he's afraid, he cared more about _himself_ than his teammate like the coward he is.

"DO YOU?"

His voice was caught in his throat, the kid was beaten in his silence, god, why couldn't he just answer Him, end his friend's pain?

Another punch, another scream, until finally, finally he spoke up.

"Y-Yessir."

The guy was dropped to the ground, bruises and tears staining his face, his legs, every inch of skin was damaged.

"Take him to the nurse, and remember this from now on, _this is all **your** fault_."

 

He'll never forget the way Ann looked when she knelt down beside Shiho, laid on a stretcher. He'll never forget how hesitant Shiho was to listen to him, to go to --------'s office when He had made Mishima get her. He'll never forget how so many kids had pulled their damn _phones_ out, who were videoing it like it was some kind of _joke._

He'll never forget that it was because he had listened to Him, that he didn't stand to Him, that _this was all his fault._

 

Many times he had stayed back as the rest of the Thieves fought Shadows, many times he was the one patching up their wounds afterwards. Bandages, Relax Gel, Extinguish Orb, a Discharge Crystal for Shock, Media to heal the party. Maybe it was because he was still new and they were fighting enemies harder than the Slimes he had faced, or maybe they didn't think he was good enough. He wanted more, so much more, but the party needed a support, and they already had Morgana has a Wind user, they-

They didn't need him, he didn't deserve this. They'd be fine without him.

 

They never saw him on Sundays, because he had disappeared to the Mementos when there wasn't many requests and he knew they wouldn't follow. He cut through enemies like they were paper, went deeper and deeper into the Mementos despite low stamina and health. He was going to get stronger, he was going to get better, he was going to be just as strong and just as good as them. Health didn't matter, he could always heal himself, whether with Diarama or Bandages. SP-who needed SP when you can shoot a bullet through Shadow's skulls, when you can knock them out with a staff. He doesn't need health, he doesn't need SP, he doesn't need _them._

 

A famous artist, a renown thief, a terrifying pirate, their personas were so much better than his, so much cooler. A motorcycle, a demonic book turned UFO, a femme fetale, even they were cooler, stronger, better than his _fucking tree of a persona._

Then again, it symbolized peace, what did he expect, a huge-ass dove to peck his enemies to death? Why couldn't he be fine with what he had, he was working with _the_ Phantom Thieves. Wasn't that enough for him?

 

Jealousy was a bug he thought he got rid of, he thought he squished under his shoe when he forged a contract with his shadow self. But Jealousy was like the cockroach from Wall-E, it popped right back up after it was run over and continued with his activities. This time, it was joined by a wasp, a wasp that stung his brain with the memories he tried so hard to forget, with the screams, the pain, the face of Him, of the kid that got beaten in his place. Mere seconds later, a snake followed, sinking its fangs into his head, the guilt, regret, and inadequacy of its venom poisoning him, rewiring him like a machine stuck on replay, forced to relieve the same events and thoughts over and over and over.

_It's all your fault, you aren't like them, you never will be. They're waiting to backstab you, to throw you out once they find a better support._

_You're a coward, you just stood there as he got beaten in your place, why didn't you acknowledge Ka-----da in the first place? Why did you call Shiho to His office, why didn't you take her place?_

_You want to run to your 'friends' so badly, to hug one like a child and cry because you think they care about someone as worthless as you. You're nowhere near their level of anything, and you never will be._

**_All of this is your own damn fault._ **

 

Jealousy, Memory and Pain drag him into the Mementos, to the second floor of one of the routes and into the demonic portal. They throw him in there, split him in two as his Shadow Self is forcefully ejected from him, as his fake thief clothes disappear.

Before Shade can get to his feet, they walk Mishima out of the portal, back to the entrance and then down another route, the one the thieves were currently exploring. They throw him in the way of danger only to back out at the last minute, as the Shadows look around in confusion trying to find him. Down the escalators, through the gates, staring at the floor that pulsed beneath him, at the tracks that continued on until they stopped or turned. Sometimes they made him linger on a floor, made him listen to the chains rattle and drag along the floor. At those times he stood right next to the stations, staring straight ahead until the ominous white eye appeared. It was then that they let him descend to the next floor, Pain injecting an almost unbearable about of fear into him.

They stop him at a level with a closed door on it, with what looks like red scribbles all over it. They sit him down, chanting the memories, the emotions, the _pain_ they put him through while practically dancing around the inside of his head. His face, the screams, the punches, his jealousy, regret, guilt, and self-doubt manifest into a physical hurricane, growing bigger as His insults rang in his head. The hurricane cannot physically touch him, but it stays on him, making him the eye of the storm. Like Oliver's power gone wild, infected by a Shadow, it's dark hue is all he can see as They snap their fingers.

Shade is floors above them, panicking as he searches for Mishima, but the _scream_ from Mishima shatters the silence of all the floors, making the Shadows explode from the intense sound. It bounces off the walls and hits everything in its path, forcing Shade to cover his own ears in agony. Even so, he carries on, finding station after station and descending. The lower he went, the worse the screams got, soon being infused with sobs and gasps for air. He's a floor above him, the screams mere wheezes and gasps as words take over.

" **IT'S ALL MY FAULT!"**

**"I DON'T DESERVE ANY OF THIS!"**

**"I'M FUCKING WORTHLESS!"**

Shade jumps down the escalator to the next floor, hands still on his ears. Landing with a stagger, he's almost blown back to the escalator by the sheer force of the hurricane built around Mishima, his eyes being forced shut. He has to take a hand off his ears and shield his face to open his eyes, staring at the blackish-purple storm raging around Mishima. Streaks of yellow flashed out at random, and he narrowed his eyes, a realization hitting him.

Shadow Selves are repressed emotions, but don't look much different from their normal selves excluding yellow eyes and a small, puddle of a void around them, unless they have their own Palace. Shade looked down at himself, noting that he was a much darker grey than before, almost pitch black.

Shadow Selves go through the same transformation as the Shadow Abominations to become a Shadow meant to fight, but there are times when the Shadow becomes too powerful or overwhelmed during the transformation, where it manifests into something else, though equally as dangerous. In most cases, they turn into a much bigger, but much more disfigured version of their intended Shadow, that or a misshapen mess of body parts and black goo, like the appearance of Shadow Abominations before they're attacked.

However, sometimes they can turn in an equally powerful disaster, not a Shadow, but something just as dangerous.

Like a natural disaster like a hurricane.

The body of the Shadow/Shadow Self fully becomes the disaster they are, _unless there's still a chance of saving them, in which their original body darkens considerably without full control of their power._

Shade braced himself against the winds before making his way towards Mishima, barely able to resist being thrown back. The words he screamed strengthened the winds, and it took all of Shade's strength not to go tumbling back. He had to get the winds to die down somehow, but he couldn't speak over Mishima's screams.

But their thoughts were shared.

**"I'M NOT AS SELFLESS AS RYUJI OR COMPASSIONATE AS ANN. I'M NOT AS BRAVE AS MAKOTO, I'M NOT AS SUAVE OR ANYTHING LIKE AKIRA, I'M NOT AS TALENTED AS YUSUKE, I'M NOT EVEN AS COOL AS _FUCKING MORGANA_ AND I NEVER WILL BE!"**

_No you aren't,_ Shade thought, wincing from the volume of his screams. _You aren't them, you're not a clone of someone, you're just **you.**_

There was a hitch in the wind, and Shade managed a smile. It was working.

_Ryuji is also reckless, Morgana can be heartless, Yusuke can be oblivious-_

**"STOP IT, THEY'RE PERFECT AND I WILL NEVER BE THEM-"**

_Ann gets overconfident at times, Akira can be cold and unemotional, Makoto can be ignorant. They are not perfect, and neither are you. Everyone has their flaws.  
_

The winds died down a level, Mishima coughing a few times. The streaks of yellow in the hurricane were appearing more than before, and Shade hoped that was a good sign. The screams stopped, if only for a moment, before they started up again, albeit hoarse.

**"BUT I AM WORSE THAN ALL OF THEM. I'M PATHETIC, USELESS, A COWARD, I DID NOTHING TO SPEAK UP AGAINST KAMOSHIDA, I LET MY TEAMMATE GET BEATEN IN HIS PLACE BECAUSE I COULDN'T STAND UP TO HIM!"**

Shade had to take a few moments to think about what he was going to say while still inching closer to him.

_Kamoshida had you under his control, along with the rest of the volleyball team, and Principal Kobayakawa didn't do shit thanks to his fame because he wanted the school to stay prestigious. You had no choice but to obey him, there was nothing you could do. You cared about yourself along with your teammates, and decisions over whose to care about more are extremely hard in stressful, dangerous situations._

Another hitch in the wind, and Mishima sobbed, breathing quickly to try and be able to speak again.

_The guy who got beaten in your place forgave you, didn't he?_

**"HE HATES ME, HE FUCKING HATES ME AFTER WHAT I'VE DONE!"  
**

_Mishima, **remember what actually happened.** You stayed by the kid's side the entire time he was at the nurse's office, once you two left you apologized over and over again, you let him lean on you for support. He  forgave you, Mishima. He understood that no one could do anything about it, **he forgave you.**  
_

The winds lessened again, though not as much as they did after reminding Mishima that his friends weren't perfect and that neither was he. It was still progress, though.

**"I'M THE REASON SHIHO TRIED TO KILL HERSELF, I SENT HER TO KAMOSHIDA'S OFFICE, I ASSISTED IN HER ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, I DESERVE TO BE JAILED!"**

_You. Had. No. Choice. Kamoshida molested her, and remember how she was at school, she may have had major depression. You are not why she tried to commit suicide, Kamoshida's abuse and molestation pushed her past her breaking point.  
_

**"I SHOULD'VE GONE INSTEAD OF HER, I COULD'VE SAVED ANN A WHOLE LOT OF MENTAL TRAUMA IF I HAD JUST TOLD KAMOSHIDA NO!"  
**

_You cannot change the past. It hurts, it hurts a lot, but you can't. No one can. Shiho is going to be OK, she's in physical therapy. Ann seems OK, but you have to talk to her. I think she forgives you wholeheartedly, but you need to ask her yourself to know if she does.  
_

The winds died down another level, and Shade managed to get a few steps closer to Mishima and the hurricane around him, which had yellow streaks at intervals in its body. He waited patiently for Mishima to catch his breath and continue, already having an idea on what he would be talking about next.

**"I-I TOLD THE ENTIRE SCHOOL ABOUT AKIRA'S RECORDS, I RUINED HIS WHOLE YEAR WITH THE RUMORS!"**

_Akira said that he forgave you. It was a rainy day, after school, you two were in the vending machine area outside. You apologized and he forgave you wholeheartedly. The rumors have lessened since Kamoshida's and Madarame's arrest, and they'll keep lessening over time. As more believe in the Phantom Thieves, the rumors will die down. It's okay.  
_

The wind barely lessened that time, must've been a smaller problem. Shade took a step or two towards Mishima, halfway to him at this point.

**"I-I DESERVED ALL OF KAMOSHIDA'S A-ABUSE, BECAUSE I'M A SHITTY P-PLAYER AND I DRAGGED THE TEAM D-DOWN WITH ME!"**

_Coaches are supposed to teach and help those who fall behind, wait for them to catch up before continuing with harder material and practices. Kamoshida did none of that, he forced everyone into brutal practices that were definitely **torture** , regardless of level of experience. It's not your fault that you weren't good. With proper training and pacing, you would have been great. But Kamoshida didn't train anyone properly, therefore it was Him who was the shitty person, the shitty coach, not you. Everyone on the volleyball team was abused, no matter if they were professional, mediocre or amateurs, they all got beaten. You didn't drag anyone down with you, it's not your fault. It never was, and it isn't now, or ever._

Another layer of strong wind down, Shade took another step towards Mishima, now able to stop shielding his eyes from the wind. Mishima fell somewhat silent, sobbing less than before. The hurricane's yellow streaks were getting bigger, just a few more times before he can control it. Gasping for air, Mishima continued on.

**"I WILL N-NEVER BE AS COOL AS THE OTHERS. NOT IN R-REAL LIFE, NOT IN THE METAVERSE. THEY'VE G-GOT FRIENDS, THEY'VE GOT BETTER PERSONAS, C-CLOTHES, PERSONALITIES-THEY'RE S-SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME AND I HATE IT! W-WHY DO THEY GET TO BE BETTER THAN ME, I-IS IT BECAUSE THEY'VE SUFFERED MORE? A-AM I UNDESERVING OF L-LOVE BECAUSE OF MY PAST, I-IS IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME T-TO BE HAPPY, TO BE SATISFIED WITH WH-WHAT I HAVE? I DON'T KNOW A-AND I WANT TO KNOW! THEY H-HAVE IT SO MUCH BETTER THAN I-I DO, AND I'M JEALOUS! I THOUGHT I-I WAS OVER THIS BUT I'M N-NOT, I STILL WANT TO BE TH-THEM, NOT JUST A THIEF, B-BUT ONE OF THEM! I WANT TO BE HAPPY!"**

Shade hesitated before he spoke, hoping that, with the lessened winds, Mishima could hear him.

"You...you deserve so much love, so much happiness, so much _comfort,_ you deserve so much more than what happened in the past, than what's happening now. You deserve to be more than a site manager, that's why you came to me, that's how you got your persona, but you still deserve more. You deserve more than to be a backhand support, because before and after you got your persona, you were and still are support. They're using you to help themselves, and I don't think they realize it. You need to TALK to them, you need to TALK to people about your feelings, not just me. I'm you, I can only tell you what you know. And you know that you need help, but you haven't gotten it, and it's because you're scared, isn't it?"

The hurricane paled in color, allowing him to see Mishima through it, curled up into a ball, reduced to hiccups. He nodded, and Shade continued.

"No one did shit in the past, they stood by as you and so many others got hurt. Ryuji and the track team, Shiho and Ann, the volleyball team, so many people were hurt and the people we've come to know as 'professionals', as the 'mature ones' did nothing to help. We've grown up trusting them with our lives, and they did _absolutely nothing_ to help us, to _protect_ those lives, to protect their children, their siblings, their students. They've done nothing, and you doubt they'll do anything now, with the way things are, don't you?"

Mishima nodded again, shaking as the hurricane shifted between pale and dark, along with the winds shifting in strength.

"There's still help out there, though. Ryuji, Ann, the Phantom Thieves can help you. They may not be the adults we've grown up with, but they stopped Kamoshida and Madarame's corrupted reigns over their subjects. Akira has connections, and while they may sell....shady stuff, they're helping him. Help is out there, it's hard to find, it's hard to accept, but it's out there. It's around you, it's waiting for you, all you gotta do is ask, and I know it can be hard to. Although I doubt Akira's connections are any good at emotional and traumatic help, his doctor could possibly prescribe medication for you. It may help with the nightmares and make life a little easier for you."

After a few seconds, the hurricane dissipated, turning into a yellow, murky, circular blob above Mishima's head. With a smile, Shade walked over to it and grabbed it. The blob enveloped him, and in a blinding flash he was gone.

Mishima blinked multiple times, looking around like he just got out of a daze. Remembering Shade's voice, he turned around, yelping when he was face to face with what seemed like a tree-man. Hair composed of roots, body made of branches and moss acting as 'clothes', with a dark oak staff attached to his back with flowers curling around the tip. Said 'hair' seemed to be windblown, and when he thought about it there was a breeze coming from somewhere or someone.

"...What? You look like you've seen a-oh god what happened to my voice!" The tree-guy said, touching his face and almost shrieking when he saw himself. He forced himself to calm down, taking quick but deep breaths.

"Shade?" Mishima asked, still a bit shaken from whatever happened before this.

"That's me-I think-well what was me. I'm not too sure, but I think I just became a persona. A Treant-Boy persona, well, a very big treant-man. Treant-man, dun un un un un un una." He pulled the staff off his back, tapping it against the ground twice and jumping when sudden gusts of wind erupted from it, ruffling the hair of Mishima and the branches of himself. Little flowers appeared in Mishima's hair too.

"Does that mean you became Oliver?"

"I'm wind-themed, there is no nature or earth element in the Metaverse, at least that we know of, so I believe so. Albeit a much cooler Oliver, don't you think?" At that Oliver spun his staff around, wind blowing around him and shaking the flowers out of Mishima's hair. For the first time in three weeks, Mishima giggled, wiping away the few tears that remained after the ordeal. After fiddling around a bit, Oliver discovered that, while he still had a healing skill and tree, the Media line, this change gave him skills to inflict and remove psychological and mental status effects-because he accidentally put Mishima to sleep. Shit.

A quick Patra later and he was back to normal, rubbing his eyes and smiling. Oliver quickly put his staff back in its place on his back, crouching beside Mishima.

"You OK?"

Sitting up, Mishima shrugged.

"Not completely, but I think I'll get better eventually." Oliver smiled, holding a hand out and helping Mishima up, ruffling his hair with the wind a final time. With a small flash he disappeared as Mishima's Thief clothes reappeared at last. It took a few seconds, but Mishima figured out how to have Oliver out and about without them being in combat, Oliver doing a few midair backflips.

"So, who should we talk to first?" He asked, walking beside Mishima while hovering a few inches off the ground.

"Ann. I want to make sure that she does forgive me, and if she doesn't, then I just want to apologize. I know it's not my fault, but...."

"It's okay, you can't change your mindset in a few hours. It takes days, weeks, even months to recover. So lets just get outta here, the Shadows here are really strong and I don't want to fight one until I know my own strength." Oliver smiled nervously and Mishima laughed, readying his staff to prepare to vault over a few Shadows and grab any chests along the way. He didn't believe it yet, but he knew one day he would; Everything would be okay in the end.

 


End file.
